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Entry 1:
So I was messing around on my computer and got the urge to make a little website, so from now on, this is going to be the place where my ramblings will be publicly visible without any apparent repercussion. How's that for fun, I guess? anyways, not much to report today, bought a pack of cigarettes, made myself a sandwich, got on the computer to make this, ran around for a while... I helped some girl get some money for milk, which was fun maybe, but it made my trip to the store 10 minutes longer. Other than that, I've yet to see what I should do today, with my relatives being all fussy and so about me lately... The time is currently March 13th 13:34 2025.
See you around runners, keep doing you for now.
Entry 2:
My left hand hurts like hell. I've just punched a wall accidentally while practicing the boxing "snap" on a piece of paper I hung up. I gave it my all, too, it sucked... But at least I've upped my hit endurance I suppose? Anyways on another note, today I've realized we've not seen the sun in a good couple of days and it looks like we won't either for the next few weeks. I really like rain, so it's a plus, the smell of petrichor is probably the best thing after mint and chocolate. The whole ambience washes away the people from the streets and gives peace to oneself in my opinion. The time is currently March 14th 19:21 2025.
I'll be back soon enough, until then.
Entry 3:
Today i saw this shirt I really liked. It had a black and white color pallette, and a leaf kind of pattern imprinted onto the fabric. It was incredibly smooth, made out of silk. I son't buy new clothes mind you, so this was at a second-hand store. The shirt had a couple of bloodstains on the collar. I wonder why. But what I really wonder is why I felt so much fascination at the thought of someone bleeding over their shirt and just... letting it be? For lack of a better explanation, I suppose I just want to know the reason people bleed, not the scientific one, mind you, I already know that one, but the "motive" people bleed may be a better way of phrasing it. Today's report is that going up 7 staircases half an hour after waking up right after a 45 minute train swapping and riding adventure in order to get to class fucking sucks The time is currently March 17th 21:05 2025.
Don't wake me up early, bye.
Entry 4:
So after yesterday's bloodstain mindtrip, I decided to stain some things in my own blood, this time not because i had too, but because I chose to. Choosing to bleed feels like a much more resolved, even noble way to be than merely bleeding. I will no longer bleed because of obligation. Bleeding on my own shirt made me realize that I am indeed full of blood. Not in an anatomical sense, I mean. Oh and somebody talked to me on the train today, and elderly lady. She saw me reading Camus' short works and said she was glad that people like me read him, as he is my favourite writer, I couldn't agree more but that may just be my "my taste is better than yours" spirit talking. She gave me a mint and left the train after a bit more of conversation about rats and books, I hope to see her again if I catch the same train on the same station and time. I write this just as what I call deathdawn is coming. Deathdawn is really just another way I say sunset, but it holds a different meaning for me when I say sunset rather than deathdawn. It's rawer and lonelier. And today's sunset is too lonely, and so I cannot see it. The time is currently March 18th 18:53 2025.
I want to see the sunset sometime soon, good night.
Entry 5:
Kept you waiting, huh? busy week, even busier week ahead. I was at a concert yesterday and I met up with some friends in order to actually appreciate them beforehand, so I haven't had much time to update here if I add up the time I had to spend discussing with my father. The 2 friends I went to the concert with ended up staying overnight to sleep at my place, but we pretty much did anything but. Smokes and talks on my bed with some jazz playing opened us up a bit. Normally, it's really hard for me to open up in realspace, but my room just has that effect on people, including me. Plus, I think I suconciously thought that they had earned it by now. It was a grunge tribute, the concert, by 4am we were starting to hear correctly again, but it was tough on us for a while. That doesn't however, make it any less worth it. we slept 3 hours at 6am and woke up at 9am to go have some breakfast together at a local cafeteria. the sun was out for the 15 minutes it took us three to get there, but clouds settled in right after. The hot chocolate was good, sweet, and too little, but it tasted and felt just fine with them. I had run out of cigarettes, so one of the two gave me a couple and they were on their way. 'Till next time I suppose. I should get to studying, which is why I will end today's entry here for now. The time is currently March 23rd 14:11 2025.
P.D.: I haven't gotten to see deathdawn yet, maybe soon.
Entry 5:
If it were all just a dream, would I wake up, or go back to sleep? sometimes I ask myself if I would change things some time back or if I'd be a different kind of person then, but then again, it's all kind of pointless, because I'm still writing here. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up to something else entirely. Who cares. Today's topic is Candy Darling. She's my roman empire, I can't help but feel understood in her misunderstood life. I wonder if I too, would invite a photographer to capture the last moments of my fleeting life and death. Be that as it may, she was a tragedy. The few pictures there is of her smiling feel almost like a fantasy that never did happen. I wish she could've been more loved and had justice done to her life instead of being forgotten in some hospital bed as just someone photographed for art, because she was in her essence art itself, and art is beauty. We quiver before whatever beauty is, and we do not understand her, just as people did not understand her. Clouds are settled over the skies as we speak, today, I miss the beauty of deathdawn the most, Because I feel even more misunderstood when the misunderstood are not by my side to know. Today is another day without Candy Darling. The time is currently March 24th 23:55 2025.
I love you Candy, you don't know that. Goodbye for today.
Entry 6:
It's been funny lately. I'm weighing decisions about my life in ways that actually matter, but really the only thing I want to actually do is sew, code, write, and get lost in my own daydreams filled with nicotine smoke. I was not cut out to bear burdens, but then again, I've done so all my life. I've already tasted the poison, why not have the full bottle, right? Speaking about all my life, too, only recently did I realize how much I've grieved about my lack of innocence. I never had it. Not even in childhood. That, too, was taken from me. I was too old in my shoes. I needed to be in order to survive. Can you blame me? can I? I do. It's not like I'm as good of a person as to not blame myself or be redeemed. I am not a good person, and deep down I know that fully well, and I will unfortunately curse everything and everyone around me because of my lack of self. In the end, I'm not worth saving, really. The time is currently March 27th 23:30 2025.
I saw deathdawn today, I feel a bit more understood now..